Tip 7: Shut Up

You’re doing great, junior loser guru.  You’ve committed yourself to a thriving loser relationship and you are applying these tips with everything you have.  Kudos!  It’s usually here where loser daters lose stamina and neglect their training.  My desire is that you anticipate this pitfall and preempt it with a strong defense – namely, a shut mouth.

Spend enough time with your loser and you may forget a critical premise, your loser is not your friend.  He’s not the person you should engage to celebrate or lament life’s ups and downs.  Nor is he your project.  Meeting his BS with your reason will not produce positive results.

Remaining mute accomplishes two objectives.  First, it keeps you guarded.  Your heart must be protected and you are much more likely to get all in your feelings and let your guard down if you are sharing your deepest and darkest.  Second, you have to be realistic.  Going tit for tat, reason for bullshit, is a direct trip to the nuthouse.  You will not change him.  He will respond to you with negativity, lies, or both.  You just found loser happiness.  Don’t throw it all away!

So next time, when you are overwhelmed by the desire to divulge your innermost thoughts and feelings or your sense a witty retort preparing to launch, shut it up and stay the course.

Next Week: Tip 8 – Get a Gun (And Other Hobbies)

Tip 6: Be Forgetful

I used to think that dating a loser required patience.  Rookie mistake.  Patience can actually be harmful when loser dating.  For one, it requires remembering.  But also, and more significantly, it encourages hope.  And you know how I feel about hope.  Instead of waiting for your loser to change into a winner, unlock your happiness with a selective memory.  Forget his inconsistencies, his vagaries, his other women.  Remembering or, god-forbid, obsessing over these shortcomings will turn you into a miserable wretch.

This is not something I can teach, this is a choice that you must make.  Just remember this one caveat.  Never ever EVER forget that he is a loser.  It is the premise of this entire approach.  The need to approach losers is a manner distinct from winners must never be forgotten or neglected.  (I’ll take this moment to remind you that you are not crazy.  But that’s something you’ve committed to remember about yourself and not your loser or his behavior so we won’t count that as an exception.)

So be HAPPY!  Yes, you are dating a loser.  Yes he serves you bullshit on a regular basis.  No, this is not the romance that they fed you during story time.  But you have the power to forget.  Rejoice!

Next Week: Tip 7 – Shut Up

A Loser, Defined

Several of you have asked me to explain what defines a loser.  Loser is not a judgment of character or value.  It is situational, dictated by the parties involved and the dynamic between them.   A loser is defined by his behavior towards you.  Note that loser is situational between two people, but not two periods of time.  While he may be a loser to you and a winner to someone else, he will never be your loser today and your winner tomorrow.

Some challenge this definition as vague and more dependent on the losee (that would be you) than the loser. To the first point I would agree. Losers come in all sorts of pretty packages so it is unwise to define too tightly. Instead, we’ll begin to unpack the loser and his ways through the experiences of my clients in our upcoming Case Study series.

To the second point, I would emphatically agree. The definition of loser has everything to do with how he relates to you. And appropriately so! We are defining a loser with the express goal of understanding what it takes to date one successfully. His loser status will dictate how we approach the relationship. It’s basically the golden rule: do unto losers being mindful of how they do unto you.

Tip 5: Dispense with Hope

This one has been unexpectedly hard for me to pen.  I’m a professional in this area, but I’m still human dagnabbit! No one wants to tell someone to lose all hope.  I do it because there is no other way to enjoy a successful relationship with a loser.

I’ve said it several times before and I’ll continue to say it – hope has no place in loser dating.

Let me tell you what hope does. Hope prevents you from registering the glaring flashes of insight that signal a loser’s presence. You mistake a loser for a winner. Now you’re home alone, Mariah and Celine wailing away, OD’d on chocolate with an empty bottle of wine at your feet and a second on your lips.

Hope emboldens you to voyage ahead where the pavement ends. I’m pretty sure that was a trail before the brush grew over and the weeds over took it. I’ll just keep going.

Hope moves you from reality to fantasy without a cause to sustain you. If you’re looking to end world hunger, hope is your dream guy. But if you’re dating a loser, hope is your Chris Brown – he’ll dazzle you like a rockstar, but at the end of the night he will kick your ass.

Listen, I know that dating a loser can weigh you down. It is tempting to use hope as your buoy. Resist. If you need something to take the edge off, tune in next week. Until then, keep hope dead.

Next Week – Tip 6: Be Forgetful.

Tip 4: Do Not Fall In Love

You’ve given him a chance.  You’ve tended his wounds.  And now – are those feelings I smell?  Are you falling for him??  End it.  NOW.  There is no room for love falling in loser dating and there is no cure for those who find themselves fallen unawares.  If you even crack your lips to disagree, stop reading.  My guidance will not work on you.  Better to learn from the cruel hand of experience.

Falling in love with a loser is a common but fatal pitfall of loser dating.  When dating a winner, falling in love has utility.  But when this same force takes hold with a loser, it attacks your judgment in a most undesirable way.  You craft excuses for his loser behavior then you actually start to believe them.  You accept blame for his bs and feel bad when you cause an explosion.  You confuse your loser for a winner.  *gasp*  A particularly shiny loser has snuck into your otherwise heavily guarded heart and he will be painful and nearly impossible to extricate.

You must be super vigilant against loser love falling. Here are some strategies:

1. Filter strategically – Interpret everything he says and does in the light least favorable to love falling.  Keep the disappointing and the sad, discard the rest.  For example, he tells you that he loves you and he made the biggest mistake he’s ever made when he chose someone else.  Keep “he chose someone else” and throw the rest away.

2. Tarnish his reputation among your circle of trust – Tell several close friends or relatives about the crappy things he does.  Spare any redeeming details.  These should be people who mean a lot to you, who would not hold their peace if you ended up at the altar.  This will create stress on you because that person will now want you to leave your loser.  Harness this stress.  Use it as a counter against the force love threatens to exert over you.

3. Build walls – A particularly useful wall is the face or name of his other woman.  Losers are particularly fond of dating multiple people at the same time.  Whenever you suspect feelings are creeping in, look at her picture or recite her name until they retreat.  (Be prepared to experience self-loathing during this process; it is unavoidable.)

There is a fourth tactic critical to avoid falling in love.  But it has broader applications than tip 4, so we’ll discuss it in depth next week.

Next Week – Tip 5: Dispense With Hope

Dr. Loser Guru

Today we hear from guest lecturer, Alanis Morissette.  Unless this is aspirational, Alanis has switched to winners.  Her ability to identify roots supports the assumption that she has much experience dating losers.  But it is equally clear that she is over it.  For if you are to have any success at dating losers, you must be willing to do all of the things that Alanis doesn’t wanna.

Have a listen:

It’s not a far leap from diagnostician to providing treatment.  But progress cautiously.  Becoming a medical doctor requires 7+ years of education before you can even practice under supervision.  Leave the losers with the most complex issues to the experts.

Like me.

Tip 3: You Are Not Crazy

Listen to me.  It is very important that you permanently etch this into your mind.  Things will happen that will make this very difficult to remember, but if you are doing things correctly, it will not change.  YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.  That hang out with his new coworker was a date.   Cheating on your wife but staying in your marriage to avoid failure is a contradiction. I did leave that money in the drawer and you stole it!!!! *composes self* You are not crazy.

And while I am on the subject of you – it’s not you, it’s him. We talked about diagnosing his BS. Another reason to do this is so you’ll have evidence when you are making the case to yourself that you are not the cause of his drama. You’d be crazy to think you met a winner and made him a loser and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

But I digress.

When your senses start to tell you otherwise, you can’t trust your mind to confirm that you are not crazy. So as soon as you meet your loser, take a fresh pack of post-its and on each one write – I AM NOT CRAZY. Then walk through your day and stick them everywhere: your nightstand, the bathroom mirror, refridgerator, microwave, breakfast table, front door, car horn, desk and computer at work…are you following? Everywhere(!) until you’ve posted the whole pack. Set montly reminders in your phone. Leave yourself a voicemail and lock it so it won’t delete automatically. Be creative here. No reminder is too extreme.

Bottom line, don’t underestimate your loser. He will learn you quickly and present exactly what you want to see and hear. And while you’re distracted by these smoke and mirrors you won’t even notice that he’s positioned himself to snatch your heart.

Next week – Tip 4: Do Not Fall In Love

Loser Lemonade

I think it’s worth stating that I do not recommend that you date losers.  Loser dating is a taxing pursuit, requiring great sacrifice while offering little reward. But for those who take it on, I do recommend that you do it right.

I did not choose this path. Loser after loser picked me. (Yay!) Time and again I accepted my challenge. A romantic and an overachiever, I welcomed each with open arms then scrambled like hell to avoid failure.

In the process, I realized that my notions of healthy relationships did not readily translate to losers. So I figured out what worked. The losers kept coming and I became an expert. And now with all of my expertise I can shed light for others where I bumped around in the dark.

So no, I do not recommend this life, for you or for me. But when life gives you losers, make loser lemonade.

Tip 2: Diagnose His Bullshit

Bullshit is not the problem.  It’s the symptom of deeper issues.  It’s easy to dismiss a loser as a manipulator or a cheater.  Yes, he will do these things.  But the root of these issues lays beneath the surface.  He’s developed into a pathological liar (BS) to avoid the acute anxiety he experiences at even the simplest confrontation (root).  He talks often of your future together but is easily distracted by other women (BS) because unexpected attention gives boosts to his nearly non-existent self-esteem (root).  If you are to succeed at dating losers, you must identify the root.  No, no, not for understanding.  You do this to avoid the explosions.  See, dealing with a loser is like taking an evening stroll over a mine field.  Diagnosing the bullshit gives you a map of the mines.

As with any diagnosis, one must analyze observations to form a conclusion.  Though this is an advanced loser dating skill, I mention it early because you need to begin the observation process now.  You’ll start to experience the explosions soon after you’ve opened your mind and let your loser in.  Explosions are episodes of bullshit.  Unlike mines, these explosions are often subtle.  You find a ticket stub for a movie in his pocket so you ask him how it was.  He says he’s never seen it.  He texts to tell you that he’s home but he never replies when you tell him you’re in the neighborhood.  You can’t find the cash that you knew you left in your drawer and he’s the only person who had access to it.

Take note of these episodes and examine any similarities between the events that trigger them.  This may seem like a simple process, but I assure you it is not.  The loser is a specialist at causing frustration, sowing confusion, and encouraging doubt.  He will manipulate the truth, a situation, and you to deal with his issue.  If he’s really good, you’ll shrug off the first few episodes.  I must’ve left that money in my other purse.  I guess I misread the ticket stub.  Something must be wrong with my phone.  As they continue, you’ll start to question your own senses.  Quickly you’ll find yourself asking the question pondered by every loser dater before you, Am I crazy?

Next week – Tip 3: You Are Not Crazy.

Loser or Creep?

Congratulations!  You’ve pushed your standards aside and set a modest objective.  You’re ready to select your first loser!  While sorting through losers on OKCupid, it occurred to me that I have not given you enough guidance.  Yes, opening your mind will open the door to a loser.  But it may also let in a creep.

Creeps, well, let’s just say we want to avoid creeps.  Losers may lie, cheat and steal.  But creeps become stalkers and rapists.  Yeah, we don’t want that.

There’s no recipe for differentiating the loser from the creep.  So let’s review the actual profile of a potential loser who recently messaged me.  For starters, the man looks mid to late-forties, but claims to be 36.  And he’s looking for women as young as 18.  Which, by the way, is the youngest you can go on OKCupid.

Creep.

“Username: looking4cuddles”

Ok, that’s creepy.  Can you see why?  Do I have to explain?

“I recently went through a tragic and unbelieveable situation and still fighting. So I’m going through a lot right now and a UNDERSTANDING WOMAN who is willing to help would really be a great. I recently gave myself to chirst and a woman who is def willing to help me stay on that path would also be a big help. So if your Interested please feel free to drop me a note. If not I definitely understand. I hope to hear from you. Take care and god bless.”

Now this is classic loser.  Appealing to your good heart and emotions, making “christ” his wingman.

“I spend a lot of time thinking about:  How could a lie that someone told completely ruin my life and reputation. Smh :(“

Note the self-pity, the victim mentality.  Again, classic loser.  Losers are very rarely responsible for their own messes.

You should message me if:  your not judgemental, someone who don’t judge a book by just one look, not fake, not a bullshitta.

Ooh, yes.  Now check out what he’s doing here.  Looking4cuddles only wants to hear from people who are not “judgemental” and “don’t judge”.  Here he lays the groundwork to become a victim when he’s pulled some BS like run up your credit card without asking – “See now you’re judging me and I told you that’s the one thing that I can’t stand.”

I’d say this guy is a loser, despite the age issue and questionable username.  The line between loser and creep is thin and blurry.  However, losers abound and you absolutely do NOT want a  creep.  So when in doubt, label creep and keep it moving.